I’ve decided. Once more. I am going to attempt to write down my thoughts and keep a record of my days. I was just organizing my phone, and happened to get on this app(which I haven’t for months, even though it’s on my main home screen!), and realized how much it has improved. And, I saw my last couple posts… They brought back memories (good and bad), but also reminded me of things I had forgotten! I don’t want to lose these kinds of memories, as the little details are all so important to me… :) And so… Maybe I’ll have to try this again. If I actually can keep up, maybe my future-me will be happy.

Or embarrassed, that’s a possibility too. x)

I love pictures. But not till I got a fb have I been so interested in pictures of /me/. In fact, I usually didn’t want to be in them. But now, I enjoy being in pictures. I enjoy seeing where I’ve been, and the memories I have with the people I love. I absolutely love it, and if I were braver, I would ask to take pictures with people more. Because… I want these memories. Forever.

But, I have a problem. I will look at all these fb pictures of me before… And want to be that. I want to go back, and be that unhealthy (even if I didn’t look it, I don’t know), skinnier girl. I know my body type is not one to be super slim. I wish that were the case, but it’s not, so too bad for me. But, I got very thin (for me, anyways) last year, thanks for my aforementioned issues with my stomach. And then I had my wisdom teeth out, so got used to not eating much. And… it was getting bad. Going to Hawaii and Japan saved me from going down a dark path, as I was surrounded with family, amazing friends, and happiness. And so, I became happy again, and stopped physically hurting.

The fact is, that my thinness was a result of bad things. But… that was something that made me happy. And now, as I’ve gained what weight I lost, back… I feel icky in this body of mine. I wish I could go back and be thinner again. Because even though I know in my head that I was in a bad place, a part of me still wants it. And I can’t stop thinking about it.

It’s my goal to exercise and eat better over the summer. Not a bad goal, and I know it’s needed. But, it could turn into something very bad. Very bad indeed. And, I’m scared.

Okay… for the second, less-happy half of my previous post that night.

So, it was a wonderful week. And especially, a wonderful two days. And then… I come home (which is a great thing, so that’s not my point, heh). And, I watch the Voyage of the Dawn Treader with my family. And while I enjoy it, I can’t help but feel the same hurt inside from almost half a year ago. In fact, it hurts so bad… I don’t know what to do with myself.

No, I loved the movie, and I love my family. That is not it at all. The problem is about half a year ago, back in late December/early January, this movie was out in theaters. And a friend asked me if I wanted to go. I said yes, I would love to, but what about I also ask another friend? Us three have been good friends since I think I was 10^th grade. So, anyway, I didn’t want anyone feeling left out (since that seems to be something I do in almost every single social relationship… I’m always trying to make sure no one is feeling left-out. I just would never want someone feeling that way, and is the last thing I ever try to do.), so that’s why I proposed this idea. This first friend was all for it, and so we decided we’d go with each other.

It was Christmas however, and we were all busy. I had family things, they did, and that’s how it was. Then, the weekend before school started (maybe, or near the very beginning of the quarter at least) my friend texts about us going. I was sick however, so said I couldn’t go that week.

Anyway, a few weeks later I mention to the second friend, “Oh, we never saw Voyage of the Dawn Treader! We should do that soon before it’s gone.” And she looks at me and is like “Oh, __ and I already saw it. It was that weekend you were sick, we just figured that it would be the only week we could do it together.” And I felt like I had been punched. I’m not so vain to “need” to be included in everything, but this really hurt. This friend wasn’t even supposed to go with us, but I invited her so that she wouldn’t feel left out. Well then. Thanks so much for even telling me, instead of making me sound to be a fool later. Great. I’m glad you went on the weekend when you were able to be “together” then.

Maybe I sound unreasonable. I’m sorry. But, it was not some isolated event. There has been a long stream (it’s actually ridiculous, when I think of how many) of concerts and movies that I have not been even informed of until later. I would purposely not go see something so that I could go with friend #2 like we had decided, only to find later that she and friend #1 had gone already. Wow, thanks.

I have no idea what I did wrong, each and every time. I try to think, but maybe it’s just only a “me” thing that is concerned about others, and being inclusive, and keeping promises once you’ve made commitments. Maybe that’s just not a big deal to others. Whatever.

But, this is me getting frustrated again. And, is not the reason I was writing this… So, I’m going to try not let myself do that. But, so, the bottom line is that basically, back in January, this was one of those wounds that got reopened, only this time it was accompanied by a kind of verbal slap to the face. Sugar-coated, and in an “aw, sorry…” kind of way, but a slap is a slap.

So, relating it back to tonight. This may sound stupid, but I think I “feel” things with my stomach. I don’t know why, but I do. That whole “stomach dropping” thing happens to everyone, I know, but I think it happens to me a lot more than others. It used to be just things like when a car cuts me off while I’m driving, or when the instructor even just mentions the exam (hah, no joke), and it immediately feels like I do a short free-fall. It’s not horrible, and I know it very well, so it’s not like I freak out about it or anything. But… I went through a really difficult time with a friend last year, and this feeling became a daily, hourly, even minute-by-minute feeling. I came to the point where a thought about it, or my phone vibrating because of a text message (because it just might be from her) would set it off, each and every time. It was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through, and I absolutely cannot do this again. Thus, when this same feeling happened again tonight, I got really worried.

Why is this happening? I am so very happy right now. Why should this bother me again? Even though I am well aware that it’s not like a “resurfacing” of an old and dead matter (as I still struggle with the issue daily), the fact that simply watching this movie triggered it so strongly… It scares me. And, I can’t help but wonder… If I can go from being this happy and content as I was that day, to be physically feeling this hurt again by just a reminder? I wonder if I am ever to be truly and completely free from this. I pray so, but for now, I am actually really concerned. I can’t go through this again, and just want to be done with everything to do with this.

But, I can’t. And, while I am loving life, a part of me just wants it to be over so I don’t have to deal with this daily hurt anymore.

It’s been months, and months… Haha. But while Araya has said my tumblr phase didn’t last long, I actually haven’t abandoned it at all. I just have had other priorities, and didn’t want to take the time to do anything, lest I get sucked in. I curbed all my reblogging (left to my other linked blogs, of course ^^), and have limited myself to only favoriting those I like. Maybe I will spam most all of it once the quarter is over, who knows. ^^

But, I am back for now. And, it is because I have such conflicting thoughts that I simply want to write it somewhere, and even if barely anyone (or no one) sees it, that’s fine.

This week was wonderful. Actually, the past couple weeks have been fun times with lots of my friends, but the past week and weekend have been amazing. This week was Foster Business Week, and involved the ASC talent show and CISB/BITS game night with Amy, then joined by Alek and Jen (a great friend from Spanish track ^^). Catch-Phrase was awesome!! And it was sunny all week, with times spent outside with friends in the sun, fun meet-up with my GHC friends from Japan, and this Thursday’s CISB/dinner has probably been the best one we’ve had all quarter. :) Ridiculous amount of yummy food, and Taboo with some of the most fun people I know? Awesome. :) Friday was the Costco tour, and then I drove Araya and Jason back to Fairwood - and stopped off for Yogurtland (finally!) along the way. Then today, drove Jason back to school, had a meeting for an accounting case (where I did want to kill some of my team members… but I think now I figured it out on my own at least ^^), and then the street fair with Araya for a couple hours. And finally closed out the day with the TOSA Night Market (I stayed to watch Sharon perform ^^), where I hung out with Yih - one of my Business Plan Competition buddies. :)

But, back to the street fair today. It was So. Much. Fun. Araya and I just strolled down the entire thing, looking at almost everything, and didn’t even buy things (except food, I guess, since that’s so us ^^) - and it was just fun. I have no idea if other people feel the same way as I do about these things, but for me? It’s like the day was absolutely bright and beautiful even though it was a bit chilly and overcast. I am just that happy and enjoying myself to be there with people like her. It is ridiculous maybe, but that’s how I feel when I am with the people I love. :)

Hah, but maybe I shouldn’t write this, since she potentially could see it, though odds are she thinks I still don’t write anything here, and it’ll just get lost in her dashboard. ^^ Because, I guess I probably shouldn’t tell people these things, since they probably already think me crazy for finding such joy in the smallest and probably super normal, ordinary things to them… But, it is worth so much more to me. I can be the most stressed and frustrated, but at the same time, the happiest person alive because I know I am So. Blessed. with the most amazing people I know I don’t even deserve in my life. (I just wish I could show them how much they mean to me, without freaking them out, haha. ^^)

And… I was supposed to write about my conflicting thoughts here. But, you know what? I’m going to instead leave it on this happy note. Save the second half for a later date. Because, right now? I’m choosing to be happy. And today gave me a huge reason to be so. Thank you for just being with me, Ms. Sunshine, because you really were my sunshine today. ♥

As I look over the past few days, it is more apparent than ever…

My life is soooo different.

I have been “going” to school for… Amazingly, for 4 years this quarter. But, I believe only this past school year I have discovered the true meaning of being a college student… See, I used to come to school and chat with people before/after class, and then leave. I might stay for office hours, or of course would have long breaks between classes… However, those times of waiting were most always spent alone. Very rare study groups for working on homework or talking in the hallway or in the classroom before it started… Those were my times I ”hung out” with people. I made what I would term “class-friends” in each and every class, yes, but of the 114 credits I gained at HCC, there are probably only about 10 people that I still keep in contact with. At UW, especially the second half of the year, the friends I made in Japanese made it lots of fun as well, but my interactions were still limited to classrooms and projects. I didn’t really desire more either, and was perfectly content to drive to school, see my friends, have class, and then come home as soon as I was done for the day. I was happy to come home, and be done with school.

Now… I feel like a completely opposite person.

Currently, I only have a maximum of 4 hours of class a day. Yet, it is not unusual to spend over 12 hours on campus, with 8-9 being the norm. Sometimes, I will even go home and then drive back. And not just for meetings, but just to study with friends. Or, the rest of the time at home, is spent doing hw of course, but also just communicating with my new-found friends. And… That is all the difference I think.

Since entering Foster, as well as living in Seattle, joining CISB, and (yes, I believe it to be important too ^^) gaining a facebook, I have learned what I was missing all these past years. I had loved school and learning, but what makes me absolutely love being at school each and every day now is something I would consider invaluable.

My friends. They are what I love. As I said, I look back at this week, and see how often I studied with, spent time talking to, ate lunch with, played cards with (with GHC of course^^) texted, messaged till all hours of the night (both Seattle friends and those faaar across the Pacific ;)), and just… thought about them. It is rather odd to think about how much time I was not studying while all this was happening (but I think that’s why I’m not getting nearly the amount of sleep that I used to think was necessary to survive. :P) but… It’s all worth it, in my opinion.

The only thing I wonder about is… how different of an experience have I had? I am sure others probably have had what I’m only just beginning for their entire time at college. Maybe (probably) they think I’m really silly for having had this “shift” of sorts. And, especially so for being so in love with the smallest, most commonplace (for them) things. But… Oh wells. I can’t help what I feel, and it simply spills over. I don’t think I could contain my happiness inside if I truly wanted to. =)

I appreciate all my other years of school, the people I met, and the experiences I had. But… I have found a reason to love school beyond any amount I could have imagined before. Because, I believe the people I’m meeting and spending so much time with are in my life by more than chance, and for much more of a reason than simply to pass time with… ^^ And so, I expect my remaining time in school to be the best I’ll ever have, and simply cannot wait to see what unfolds. ♥

Today was wonderful. ^^

My weekly (sometimes more often) statuses on fb about CISB probably are a complete bore to my friends by now. And, I totally would understand. But… I don’t do it just out of habit. Thursdays… Are probably my favorite day of the week. No matter that it’s the end of the week and that I’m burnt out mentally, exhausted physically beyond belief, and barely able to walk in a straight line. It’s the absolute best. ^^

I think more about it when I stop to write about it though, and it’s actually very surprising. Our meeting starts at 5:30, and I usually end up getting back somewhere around 10:30. Add to that the past few weeks where it’s lead into by study sessions from 3:30, or today’s case work, which began somewhere after 1…. ^^ Even I am shocked by how long that amount of time is. It’s such a huge chunk… And, less than a year ago, I would have probably freaked out at it. I would have immediately thought of how much time I would be losing for hw and studying, and think of the commitment with mixed feelings…

It is not so, now. Not in the slightest.

See, days like today… Are amazing. And, are what I have come to realize are absolutely vital. This week was tough, with studying all weekend seeming to come to nothing during my midterms on mon and tues. And, the rest of the week, it felt like it could just be kind of a wash. But, it wasn’t. Instead, I think this week had some of the most fun memories of the quarter thus far. Owed entirely to my wonderful friends, and most all being from CISB. Without them, I believe I might be wallowing in my misery and depression, but instead, I have smiled and laughed (sometimes over the most ridiculous things^^) more than any other week. And, I absolutely love them for it - even if they have no clue how much it means to me.

Because, it totally means a lot. I hope my friends (both from CISB and not) don’t all think I just post something out of habit, or say something nice/thank them just to be nice. Because, I mean it from the bottom of my heart, and just want them to know at least a fraction of the thankfulness I feel. =)

God has blessed me soooo much this week, as He knew exactly what I needed to survive it. Time every single day =D (and super laaaaate nights chatting ^^) with CISB trackies (including a spanish member too!!), who never cease to amaze me, and concluding with a night of fun which can’t be properly recapped in any way that would do it justice. :)

All I can say is, I love you guys. Most will never see this, but, I just have to say it. My life at UW and Foster has been amazing because of you. And every Thursday is like the gorgeous sunset that comes to close out that week’s “day” - and no matter what kind of day it was, the ending is perfect. =)